What is a “Silent Divorce”?

The "silent divorce" or "quiet quitting" is very real and very common. 

Over the past few years, I have noticed that as a divorce lawyer, my clients are about 70% women over 50 which is an unusual phenomenon. For most, if not all, they have stated they checked out of their marriage years ago but continued to stay married for various reasons. First, I think it is important to understand the landscape of divorce. Gray Divorce, which means people divorcing over 50 is the largest group of people divorcing. In Gray Divorce, women are initiating divorce at an increasingly high rate (72% if they have a college education). This makes sense on why these women are coming to me as the party initiating divorce. I am a non-litigation attorney and created the Amicable Divorce Process which is an efficient and low conflict divorce process.

Gray divorce clients are seeking an efficient end to their marriage as they are facing retirement and need to preserve assets. Additionally, they have grandchildren on the mind and preserving a decent relationship can allow both to attend family events without tension. Women quiet quitting their marriage are taking a lot of time, sometimes years, to plan their exit. So they are researching the how, what, why.

How long do they wait and why?

That varies. With Gray Divorce it is absolutely YEARS. Some are waiting for the last child to go to college. Some just can't gather the nerve. Others are creating a long term plan. In several circumstances I have seen women who were stay at home moms but took time to go back into the workforce and get established in a career so they have the financial stability to leave (this is the most common).

The why?

Time and time again I hear that the Husband did nothing wrong, there is no infidelity or abuse, they just feel they lived their entire life taking care of others and for this last chapter they want to just take care of themselves. 

For quiet divorces in younger couples the time of the silence is much shorter, maybe a year. Often there has been an event that caused the cracks and the party is waiting to see if things will improve or if they will find assistance through counseling. 

The day to day life inside a quiet divorce looks different case to case. In rare circumstances the parties may have an unspoken, or spoken,  agreement that divorce is coming, however, in my experience Husbands are often not on the same page but when it happens but not necessarily blindsided. In some cases they have been agreeing to divide expenses and labor in the home and are just plugging along. In others, the Wife reports she continues to cook, clean, shop and do similar duties and the Husband is perfectly fine with the situation. More often than not they report not having sex for years.

There is a downside to the quiet quit!

Many issues are created that people find frustrating when they divorce after a long mental separation. First, financially they have been creating joint marital assets for years while mentally checked out. This could be beneficial to women initiating divorce as traditionally men are higher earners and creating more of the wealth. However, in  some cases, particularly if the Wife has a teacher's pension or inadvertently converted an inheritance to a marital asset during this time, the division can cause a lot of animosity that people who have planned an exit get an equitable share of the assets.

The biggest issue is often the house

Typically so much equity has been amassed and interest rates to refinance have gotten unattainable for women newly into the workforce that they are absolutely unable to "buy out" the Husband and keep the home. Sometimes they are having to walk away from any share of retirement assets in exchange for equity in the home and while this may seem like a good idea, home equity is not money in the bank to help with monthly expenses.

The home is often the most difficult component to negotiate and often selling is our only option. I almost always recommend that when handling a gray divorce, clients enlist the services of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and Certified Divorce Lending Professional to their divorce team to provide expert financial insight on navigating the settlement.

What about the children?

Psychologically, often older children are not surprised the divorce is happening as they can see the writing on the wall. However an unexpected impact that may occur is that the children feel overwhelming guilt that the parents stayed married for them and they feel their life has been a fraud for many years. Sometimes the children feel worse than the surprised Husband. 

The Amicable Divorce Network and the Amicable Divorce Process are ideal for helping clients navigate the nuances of a Gray Divorce. And having a consult with a divorce attorney when you feel you have decided to divorce (and NOT 10 years later) doesn’t hurt and may get you the information you need to create meaningful decisions.